Sober Reflections
Another new year, more beginnings..reflecting on everything.
I’ve begun 2026 in a little room on stilts in the Costa Rican rainforest and as my trip is coming to a close soon and as so much has come up for me, so many thoughts coming to pass, I felt the need to jot them down. Save them, save this moment in time.
I wouldn’t quite define this as my Eat Pray Love trip, but I do wonder if this is the start of my affirming a genuine affinity with Elizabeth Gilbert and not just idolising her..(highly unlikely, I’ll probably just continue to worship her), but I can dream.
So here is a list of reflections that nobody asked for :)
Sobriety brings back sensations and allows new ones
This New Year’s Day marked my being 2 years fully sober.
I was actually also completely sober from Jan 2022 - Feb 2023, but then I had a wee hiatus until Jan 1 2024, during which I consumed only champagne and good quality cocktails.
Yes, that was my rule, those were the parameters. Ridiculously ‘extra’ some may judge, but if you’ve spent the majority of your life since age 14, overdosing on whatever alcohol you could get your hands on, often to the state of paralysis, passing out and vomiting regularly, purging, constantly..then consuming only these expensive, delicious drinks, I feel was actually a very sensible way to enter my 40th year. I spent considerably less money too as I felt the effects quicker. I’ve therefore technically had 3 sober years and I don’t tend to mention it much or hold myself to official ‘account’ by counting days etc.. I find that adds pressure. But when I take a moment to log these sober years, given where I was at during the height of my music industry career, this is something to take stock of, be proud of and give myself a little pat on the back for.
When I drank to excess, an untameable wildness overtook me. When I drank in moderation, social anxiety lessened. But my feelings were also numbed. The cumulative effects of alcohol passing through my system, (and yes all the Class As also) left a residue of sluggishness in my body and a business of anxiety in my mind.
Now I can’t help but feel all of my feelings. This has been hard and at times very overwhelming, but the highs have been high, without intoxication. I have found energy and felt all the passion and all the electricity, without needing alcohol to instigate or quash the sparks.
I’m still working on the fear, a work in progress, but I’ve learnt a lot this year. Slowing down, taking it in, feeling it and finding the way through is still a steep learning curve. It’s a rollercoaster ride to manage the variety of new states I find myself in. But I prefer it this way and am determined to stick with it. I don’t miss alcohol.
Work on the system and the process rather than the goal, if you feel comfortable in the process, you can reach the goal
Sometimes you don’t think you’re working it all out, but you are.
When everything is broken, firstly, it actually isn’t, but it may feel like it is.. and it provides opportunity for everything to be recreated, from scratch if necessary. This will not happen at speed and it generally won’t be the pace you want, hoped for or planned in a timeline. It will be at the speed your body and mind allow for at those points. Go slow, with grace. It is possible to make big changes and shift your life into fresh alignment. It won’t happen overnight and it is challenging, but it will happen.
There are 3 factors to take into account when considering the balancing of our existence: the masculine, the feminine and NATURE
It’s easy to think only in our male/ female genders but we can’t omit the omnipotent greatness that presides over us all in the oceans, the air and all trees and plants. We are a giant interconnected network that all have to collaborate together.
Meditation, once you actually experience it, really is a thing.
I thought I had meditated before this trip, but I hadn’t and there is a real difference once you manage to get to a state, where you let go of all those thoughts driven by your ego and finally feel satisfied and grateful to just be human. Acknowledge that you have been given a body to live this human experience and that all the layers of identity we attribute to ourselves, are just learned, limiting social constructs.
There are certain people that just belong with the ocean. I belong with water.
I spent many days by the sea last year, I often wonder if you gain a different composition of nervous system living by the sea. The past two weeks I’ve dived into the crests of waves and let them crash around and revive me. I grew up as a swimmer, I can float around for hours. We are also always swimming in our own and other peoples’ energy. Oceans of emotion. The power of sea waves, constant reminders of the ebbs and flows we need to manage in ouselves.
Shells are incredible, a natural phenomenon
I want to investigate how shells form. Take a moment to consider the shapes, patterns and colours of some shells. Beautiful little homes that get vacated and abandoned and then just sit there on the shores.
Grief comes in many guises, not through death alone.
I’ve grieved a lot this year. You can grieve past lives, marriages, your previous careers, that previous version of yourself you’ve shed, the loss of old friendships, the unjust loss of life around the world. The loss of love you never had. Grief is ever present and ever changing and you can live with it. It’s like when you think about someone you don’t talk to anymore, almost every day, for a year..and then eventually, you don’t.
You can give back the guilt that you hold from your childhood to your parents.
Literally..well via the literal reenactment of an imagined scene in a Family Constellations workshop..using a pillow as the guilt, pain and emotions you’ve held tight for years.
You can hand it back to your parents and say ‘I am giving this back to you, I am only a small child and it is too much for me to hold’
Mothers can leave their children and take time for themselves ..for a considerable amount of time.
It is not selfish, you are not abandoning them, it is self preservation. Keep in touch, reassure them, keep reiterating to them that you will come back..but take the time.
It is absolutely not necessary to post on personal Instagram accounts.
I won’t be a hypocrite, as I know I will still do it in the future , but I acknowledge outrightly it’s a pointless, time wasting habit (for me anyway) most of the time. It’s a means to seek approval, validation, some sort of connection or fulfil a desire for someone to see what you’re doing, when they aren’t really seeing you properly now are they.
It is absolutely appropriate for a man to be asked to consider, or be aware of where a woman is in her monthly cycle , if a difficulty arises or is deemed to arise in communication, especially for women post 40.
Yes, there is lots of great discourse being had and more info surfacing around perimenopause, but gents shouldn’t be taken aback by women raising the topic or speaking more directly about the difficulties they may be having, especially emotionally. This past year, as I approach 43, I was caught out by the volatility of my hormone imbalances. The fluctuations and de-stablisation of my mood, frequent periods of feeling completely incapable and rather desperate were real and it would be great to have more and more open dialogue about this with the men in our lives.
As women we are tuned to a cycle that allows us to create and release eggs every month in our bodies, eggs that go on to create further human life. Stating the utter obvious, this is a HUGE difference in our bodily chemistry to mens and it means every month we have to contend with big changes we are not in control of (unless you’re on contraception that really fucks with it!) So when our bodies decide at this age that they are starting the process to cease production of those eggs and change all our body chemistry again, please afford us some sensitivity as we navigate those changes.
Be grateful for every moment you have in time, really savour them
Specific moments in time will continually be important to me, as the years go by, I will recall them on certain dates, where I was with a person, the silly comments made, the song that was played. I remember all those little things, that’s just how I’m made.
Existing in silence with a group of others for over a week, is both humbling and healing. So is singing with them in unison afterwards.
Remember to enjoy the silence. There is a lot of space for understanding and comfort in the quiet. I found being with people but not speaking with them allows a whole new dynamic of relationship to form. And just find time to sing, make noise with your voice, the vibrations are so cathartic.
There is no ideal way to co - parent.
Suffering for all can occur when one parent is attempting to work from the ‘Handbook of perfect co-parenting’ when what is really needed is for both parties to begin to graciously accept each other, as they are and attempt to understand the ways they approach things, rather than try to change the essence of who they are.
We don’t always have to adapt to fit into the mayhem of society that currently fits around us, we can adapt things around us to serve us.
Even when we are being offered alternative ways to work that will supposedly enable us to travel to work quicker, or offered more comfort at our desks or mean we don’t actually have to speak to each other because we can do it online, does not mean we have to agree to make these changes. We don’t have to conform. We can ask others to adapt or work things in a way that suits us. Perhaps lots will change, but perhaps for the better.
16. Find awe in the everyday
She says as she sits from her privileged position on holiday in Costa Rica. But I worked bloody hard for many years in an environment that totally shattered my nervous system, to generate the savings to get me here. So I will remind myself daily back in London, that we can wonder at little things all around us every day and still feel a sense of transcendence in tiny things we witness, like the random crew of green parrots that fly around close to my house in E17;
Dancing is a great tonic and way to find real joy.
Stop dancing with ghosts and find people that aren’t afraid to lose their inhibitions and flail around in groups together to tribal music. You don’t have to be a trained dancer, just move your body intuitively and shift the flow of energy in your body.
And finally - Bats are amazing.
I’ve seen a lot of little bats from my little balcony this past couple of weeks and there’s no need to be scared of them, they are really rather cute.
Happy New Year :)
Congratulations on two years Liv, this is amazing!!