Escape

Sometimes it’s running away.

Escape. Avoidance. Delay.

Sometimes it is moving towards.

Moving towards the new chapter. Once you realise the magnitude of time, this unreal passage of time , this projection of life…all of this unreal time..

Now it is moving towards.

Very soon I will outlive you.

Thirty years later, I relieve the pressure from my chest that was your last breath.

That oxygen cannister that weighed you down. No escape, not even upstairs to kiss her children goodnight.

Grief is fluid and wavelike. As is this life journey.

Sometimes it is better for me not to be here , not to intertwine with you.

Not to register my tsunami of emotion within your tiny frame.

Sometimes the void of me, my space from you, will be the space within which we are all meant to heal.

Allow my untethered natural disaster of self, to disappear and emerge next year, 30 years later.

To live beyond her years, your years , our years now.

To start the life she would have lived 43 years ago .

I will go now, but I promise I will come back .

Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe , but there is nothing stopping me .

Breathe in

‘I will fight off the wind

I will be the wind

I will find you…’

breathe out.

Start again.